Crossing A Threshold
written by Margaret Webb
My parenting journey began with an unexpected turn of events… my son’s developmental delays in the form of apraxia of speech, anxiety, ADHD, and autism. It rocked my world as I was a rule follower who thought I’d have this parenting thing in the bag. I didn’t.
What I didn’t realize was that I had crossed a threshold from the known into the unknown. I had begun my hero’s journey in parenting.
Note: A hero’s journey in parenting begins once you cross the threshold into the unknown. The unknown can take the form of anything that is unexpected and leaves you feeling like you are wandering alone. You are not and communities like We Are Brave Together can help you to feel seen, heard and validated in the real challenges you face daily. Please embrace communities like this so that you do not feel isolated and alone like I did in my early days of my hero’s journey of parenting.
I was a teacher, so I thought I knew a lot about children and parenting. I didn’t. I knew a lot about neurotypical children and how to motivate, engage with, and educate them. I was starting from square one with my own neurodivergent child.
Upon crossing the threshold, I resisted and resented the fact that our life would be different from what I had expected it to be. What I didn’t know was that all these unexpecteds were going to help me to learn more about myself. This, in turn, would help me to be the best parent that I could be for my child.
I learned that I could choose to stay stuck, wanting what will never be and exhaust myself trying to find the one thing that will “fix” or “cure” my child. Or I could choose to take one step at a time into the unknown, trusting that all will be okay. Trust there are tools, questions, strategies, and teachers that could help me learn not only how to survive, but thrive, and feel more confident and content with the life, and the child, that was mine.
Despite all the noise of unhelpful and untrue thoughts that I had been accumulating once I crossed the threshold, I believed deep down in my heart that my child did not need to be “fixed” or “cured.” Supported? Absolutely!
So, I chose to take step after step into the unknown. I had no idea what I was doing, but it couldn’t have been any worse than what I was feeling—frustrated, incompetent, and exhausted.
With each step that I took, teachers began presenting themselves with simple, yet incredibly powerful, tools. These tools not only helped me to reconnect with myself, but they also helped me connect with my son. They equipped me so I would not get tangled up in his big energy and emotions. They helped me discover that my son is my best teacher of all. I learned that despite my initial feelings of inadequacy, I am actually the perfect parent for him.
Most parents in these situations spend all their energy in “warrior” mode (as I did at the beginning). This focuses on supporting the child, which is strongly encouraged by society and professionals. I personally found that it was crucial for me to do some things differently by taking care of myself in some unexpected ways to best support my son.
In addition to allowing myself to feel the emotions I had been repressing, I also became aware of all the thoughts and stories that I was believing about my son, autism and my life that were causing me pain and suffering. 99% of which weren't even true! I had to realize that I was not in control of my child, his developmental timeline, or simply how his brain or body worked.
I had to reconnect with joy without putting it on hold until “x, y or z” happened. I will say this over and over again—I am the role model for my child of what it means to be an adult, and don't most parents want their children to be happy? My happiness was important to not only me, but as a model for him.
Since you are reading this, I can only assume that you love the person who led you here tremendously AND resonate with those feelings. It is my intention always to leave parents and caregivers feeling empowered with greater clarity to make choices that are best for them and their family. I want them to know how to handle those who question and judge, as well as setting boundaries when necessary.
It is my mission and passion to help parents and caregivers who are on this hero’s journey. Life is too short to feel isolated, judged, uncertain and exhausted! You are NOT alone, and I would be honored to be your guide and share what I have learned from the best teacher I have... my son. Throughout this all, I learned crucial lessons that I needed to become a more empowered person who is connected with what really matters in life.
Margaret Webb has been a parent coach for 12 years and is the author of recently published A Hero’s Journey in Parenting - Parenting the Child You Didn’t Expect While You Were Expecting. She resides in Austin, TX with her husband, 20-year-old autistic son and three Jack Russell Terriers.