A Holiday Playlist That Works for Your Family
written by Billie Short
Once upon a time there was a caregiver that exerted Herculean effort to fit her family into the typical holiday jukebox. After putting her children to bed, she stayed up late checking off names from a 3-page list of Christmas card recipients. She baked cookies to deliver to local family and friends.
This caregiver would carry her six-year-old daughter around on her hip traveling from store after store in search of the perfect gifts for family and friends. Once the cards were done, she could dedicate her evenings to wrapping gifts and finding creative ways to recognize a host of teachers, therapists, and aides on a one-income budget.
She attended a plethora of events during the month of December, most of which she spent outside trying to console her overstimulated and agitated daughter. This cycle of trying to keep up with the expectations of what she thought must be done left the caregiver stressed, overwhelmed, and if she was being honest, depressed.
How did she cope with all the stress of trying to live up to her perceived expectations? She spent too much money, overindulged in holiday treats, and consumed wine each night as she worked alone to check off all the boxes.
She continued to repeat this cycle for years. There was no time to rest, recharge, and reflect. One day she decided to stop listening to a playlist that didn’t work with her unique family. She decided to create her own kind of music. This changed everything and suddenly the joy of the holiday season was not just for everyone else, but for her and her family too.
Muting the old playlist required adding the word N-O. She would have to apply it liberally and often and it would be uncomfortable at first.
No to going to places that overwhelm or agitate her daughter and create anxiety and stress for the rest of us.
No to overspending on gifts and then spending the next year paying off the bills.
No to competing with family to buy the “best gifts” when her bank account could not support the expense.
No to over drinking to avoid family tension or conflict.
No to eating foods that made her feel terrible to please others.
No to apologizing for her daughter’s behaviors. She cannot control them, and her daughter is just being herself.
No to putting up a Christmas tree and all the work that goes with that. (Which is usually by herself. It wasn’t important to the rest of her family.)
No to buying gifts out of perceived obligation.
To bring back the J-O-Y of the holiday season, she took a hard look at what makes the season special to her and her family. She wanted only to say Y-E-S to things that would add to her family's holiday experience. What songs had to be on the list?
Yes to buying a gift for friends and family when it is NOT a holiday. (Love Gifts)
Yes to staying home if that seemed like the best choice for her family.
Yes to connecting with friends and family.
Yes to making memories that last beyond the opening of gifts.
Yes to going away as a family on a road trip during the holidays.
Yes to donating to organizations that impact her family and friends.
Yes to decorating outside and adding lights to the house because that fills her cup.
Yes to joy and great music.
Yes to making her Great-Grandpa Nick’s cookies for the family.
Yes to feeling good in January when the bills come and she can pay them. No debt. No interest.
Everyone’s playlist will look different but here are some tips that can set you up for a successful holiday season:
Set boundaries: Decide what events or family gatherings you will attend. Set a limit on your commitments and try to pick ones you know your special loved one will handle with the least distress.
Avoid family conflict. You don’t have to engage. I use what I call the “Emily card”. If the conversation or tension gets high, I will excuse myself to take Emily for a walk or to the restroom. I also will volunteer to do the dishes or clean up.
Focus on what you can control: There are only two things you can control. The first is your thoughts. The second is your actions. You cannot control what anyone else says or does, but you can decide how you react to it.
Say NO: We covered this already, but it is a big one. Say no often. Throw it around like confetti (or a Meghan Trainor song).
Think of ways to create memories and create the feeling you want during the holidays.
Ask your family what matters the most to them during the holidays. If they could only pick one thing to have or do, what would that be? For me, it is the lights on the house. This year Todd and Justin want to make a nice dinner for Todd’s parents, Emily enjoys the sweets that accompany gatherings. Every year I ask my family this question, because the answer changes year-to-year.
Don’t overspend. It isn’t necessary to buy bobbleheads and tchotchkes for everyone we see during the holidays. When I discover the perfect gift for someone, I will get it for them. Last week, my girlfriend brought me a tin of my favorite tea and a pair of earrings that she said screamed my name. I love them, appreciate my friend’s thoughtfulness, and I did not have a gift for her. I accepted them graciously. Gift-giving is not transactional.
Maintain or add healthy habits. Make sure you are getting adequate sleep. Hydrate yourself. Make healthy food choices before and after your celebrations. When you are at family gatherings, indulge in the food or beverage that matters most. Don’t use the holidays as an excuse to eat a bunch of things that are mediocre. Savor the food that is special or sparks joy.
Let go of your expectations. The Norman Rockwell images of others on your social media feed is a lie. There is no such thing as a perfect holiday. Some of my most treasured holiday memories involve something that went awry. It’s the unexpected hiccups that make it memorable.
Plan your holiday to reduce the volume of stress and increase the volume of enjoyment. Focus on the people, the memories, and Make Your Own Kind of Music.
If We Make It Through December
Written by: Merle Haggard/Performed by: Cody Johnson
Billie Short is a caregiver, life coach, and writer. She writes a weekly blog for her website: Conversation for Change. Billie’s topics include: caregiving, grief, marriage, mental illness, gratitude, and creating joy in the journey. One of her blogs was recently published in The Gratitude Journey by Chris Palmore.
Billie is the primary caregiver to her daughter who has severe disabilities. She lives in Southern California with her husband and their two adult children.
IG: @bgshort68
Meta/Facebook: Billie Short
Email: billieshort68@gmail.com
