written by Billie Short

As we walked into the store, Emily let out a squeal or a scream. Well, it was a high-pitched reaction that vocalized extreme emotion. Emily doesn’t regulate her emotions the same way we
do. She may go from a cry to a laugh in a millisecond. Her squeals told me she was experiencing an emotional moment. I looked up from Emily to see one of her old caregivers standing next to her. When Emily sees someone she recognizes, she is loud, expressive, and dramatic. I imagine her saying, “I am so excited to see you. I have missed you! Where the heck have you been?” Happy, sad, and accusatory all in one scream.

As I open my mouth to say hello and hug Janel, I am shocked by my reaction. I begin to cry. I am standing at the entrance of Vons crying. I am unable to contain my emotions. Janel hugs
me, and I reign in my emotions. We talk for a few minutes as Emily continues expressing her feelings, then we say goodbye. They leave with their groceries. Emily and I begin our shopping.

I walked the aisles pushing Emily and discussed our encounter. I told her how happy I was to see Janel, and I bet she was too by her reaction. I reminded her of places they have gone
together and nights she has stayed at our home so Todd and I could go away. Memories are flooding my mind. It amazes me that once our minds uncover one memory, it continues the
process. Our mind reveals more and more. Our memories remind me of a Russian doll. You open one, and there is another one inside. I began to recall other wonderful caregivers we have
had over the years. Each caregiver comes into our home with their own unique style.

When I think about these women, I get emotional. While they have provided care for Emily and respite for us, they have also been friends and confidants. They participate in family activities, conversations, and plans. They understand some of the challenges we face. They offer empathy and understanding. We learn about the people that are important to them. They share their dreams and hopes for the future. They don’t just care and connect with Emily, but the entire family. We get attached to each of them. We become invested in them. We cheer them on and they cheer us on. They work with us. They grow with us. One day, they move on from us.

Moving on is the goal for them. Caring for Emily is a step on the path to their future. They get a better job or the dream job. Some have gotten married, had babies, or moved away. The
process is bittersweet (my unofficial word of the year). I cannot remember my word of the year, but the word I seem to use on the regular in 2022 is bittersweet. We are happy for them but sad for us.

As Emily finishes her public school adventure, there is uncertainty about what our days will look like. I imagine they will be similar to the pandemic lockdown days. Emily and I will be spending a lot of time together. I will have to adapt my schedule to handle more day-to-day care. Life for Emily and me during the pandemic lockdown was difficult. The thought of the future paralleling that time feels heavy to me.

Running into Janel reminded me how much I miss her and the other caregivers we have been blessed with over the years. I miss having others help bathe and care for Emily. I miss the
friendships I have shared with them. I am hopeful that other caregivers will come along to help with Emily in the future. Most will travel alongside us for a season or cycle, but all will live in our hearts and memories for a lifetime.

Billie Short calls herself a caregiver FIRST.

She is a mom of two adult children: Justin, 23 and Emily, 21

Billie has been married to her high school sweetheart, Todd, for almost 30 years. The family lives in Southern California where they were all born and raised.

Billie is the Creator of Calm in the Chaos at Conversation for Change. A coaching business she started last year. She works with caregivers to show them it is possible to care for yourself and their loved ones at the same time.

She also works part-time as the Accounting Manager for a small graphic design firm in Long Beach, CA

Last year, Billie took on the role of facilitating a support group for moms caring for children with various disabilities and conditions through the non-profit We Are Brave Together.

Billie is also the primary caregiver of her adult daughter, Emily. Emily has significant intellectual and developmental delays. She is dependent on others to take care of her needs.

IG: bgshort68
Meta/Facebook: Billie Short
Email: convo4changenow@gmail.com